Stuck between a rock and a hard place

The older Davenport daughter found herself about ten steps outside of the Tipsy Toga. It was the place she had spent a lot of her time for about a year. It was where she went to numb any pain she had. It only took a couple rounds of shots and she was numb to the core. She felt invincible. There was nothing that could stop her once she had the magic liquid. It made everything in the world right again. It had been about a month or so since she had given up alcohol.

It got harder and harder these days. To live everyday and have to try bury any feelings she had lingering on the surface. She refused to cry in front of people. She would not break. Although, things just continued to get harder. She stayed in her room most of the time. Just laid in bed and didn't say a word. Stared at the ceiling a lot, counted the seconds of each day, refused to eat for the most part.

Aspen had every muscle in her body tensed up. She no longer knew what to do. It was either continue to live the way she was living. Alcohol free, sad, hurting, or she could go in and get a drink and numb any pain she could possibly ever feel. The daughter of Bellona was stuck. She wanted to continue to stay sober and fight, but there was no fight left in her at the moment. She felt worn down and broken. She didn't feel like she was even her anymore.

If she continued to be alcohol free, she had no choice. She would have to end the pain somehow. Part of her felt like she could pay someone to do it for her, or she could easily do it herself too. Instead of doing anything she just stood there staring at the bar. The music was loud, but familiar. Aspen could easily find herself back in her hold booth drinking and slamming back the shots. Would it be better than now? She wasn't certain. No one around her understood her. The only person who had, she hadn't seen since that one night he walked her home.

The doctor was pretty clear. "Son, your jurisdiction is anywhere besides this hospital. When we feel she's ready for visitors, you can come back. Otherwise, I'm examining you and you're going to lose your weekend." Christian didn't want to leave Lennie's side. Her odds were good, great, even. Still, it didn't feel right to not be there, but he'd decided to take the doctor's advice. Corinne still didn't even know that Lennie was there. How was he supposed to break that news? The thought made his stomach churn. From the hospital, he'd went to the Tipsy Toga.

It would be easy to assume Christian had gone to drink, whether it be to dull the pain in his hand or to forget what he'd just lived through. But, that wasn't the case. One quick talk with Remy and a sixty second soak of the hand in vodka later, and he was off again. The doctor had offered to at least prescribe painkillers. Christian was far too quick to shoot them down. His hand had been impaled with his own knife, but he still felt lucky; the man he been trying the get him in the neck in the first place.

His hand was clean of blood now, but it was beginning to bleed again, and the entirety of his arm was still covered in dry blood, all the way up the his shirt and shoulder, with some streaks spread to his clothes. He walked out of the club with a fresh bandage, and began to wrap it around his hand when he looked up and saw her. Aspen Davenport. There was probably some stuff to talk about.

"Hey." Christian said. It was strange. There was no nervousness, or even awkwardness. If anything, he almost felt angry. Had she gone back to the alcohol? "You okay? I hope you weren't going to go in there."

Aspen didn't know what to do. She was still stuck on whether she should go in or stay out here. There were a few times when she tried to make the steps towards the bar, but her feet remained static. The daughter of Bellona was horribly confused and torn. What did she want to do? Did she want to go feel numb? Did she want to go feel at peace?

In that moment it didn't feel like there was any other option left for her. Just narrowed down to those two. It as only a couple seconds after that she saw the door open and that's when he walked out. She hadn't seen him in a long time. The last time was the night he walked her home when she was drunk. She looked at him and still had nothing to say.

He had greeted her and asked her if she was okay. Aspen could feel everything begin to break down slowly. It was moments later and Aspen no longer had control over herself. She sunk to her knees and began to cry. The tears wouldn't stop from streaming down her face.

"I don't know what to do, Christian." She managed to choke out as her crying turned into uncontrollable sobs. Her hand reached out to make sure he was really there, to be able to know that in this moment she wasn't alone. Her hand grasped his wrist.

The look on the older girl's face had been blank before Christian spoke, like she was deep in thought. He'd made the comment in hopes to determine the matter of their conversation, it wasn't like he was the boss of her at the moment. Then, after he spoke, everything about Aspen changed. Her demeanor faulted, her voice shook, and her entire being clearly saddened in an instant moment of release.

Christian hadn't seen it coming, it left him in a momentary state of shock, and she gripped his wrist. All of his muscles tensed in reaction, thinking she might touch his hand. After denying the heal, having to drive with it, then having it soaked in vodka, he wasn't hyped to start using it again. Even still, he didn't pull his arm from Aspen. He relaxed again. He had much more important matters at hand than his limb.

"Shhh." Christian cooed to her, gently. He couldn't do a lot with his left hand, so his right hand made it's way to Aspen's shoulder. "Aspen, what's wrong? I can't help you until you tell me what's wrong." In the moment, the Centurion didn't care about her drinking problem. First, and foremost, he wanted to fix whatever this was. Just seeing her in this shape was hurtful.

Aspen couldn't help the emotions that broke out to the surface. She was sobbing, probably the worst she had done in about a year now. She was gasping for air a few times, and her face was soaked form the tears that continued to pour down. The weight that sat on her chest and held her down was a hard one to struggle against. She didn't want to feel it anymore, she didn't want it to always loom around and make her feel this way. The only way she knew to get rid of it was to drown it with alcohol. That was always the easiest.

After some time had passed and she could managed to get more words out, she did. "I only have two options left. Alcohol or death." Aspen choked out. It was hard to even say the words out loud. They held so much weight, but she truly felt that those were only options left. "The pain doesn't go away. It gets worse and worse. I feel empty."

Her words were heart-shattering to hear, it made him feel like he'd seriously let her down when she needed him. It was his fault for telling her to let go of the addiction. As twisted and hurtful as it was in the moment, he knew now wasn't the time to dwell on it. She was making her plea clear, and there was no way he was ignoring it. It was time to put on his big boy pants.

"Death isn't an option." Christian's words were firm, and not shaken in the slightest. Not even a moment passed after she was done speaking before he made his stance clear. The legacy used his right hand, the unwounded one, to grab the girl's wrist and yank her in. Circumstances were different last time they were this close. He wrapped her arms around her tightly, and wasn't planning to let go. "I'm not letting you go until we solve this. I don't care if we stand here all night and everyone sees us, your reputation is a hell of a lot more important to you than mine is to me."

Aspen heard his firm words. How could he even say that? It was always an option whether people wanted to believe it or not. It would be one way Aspen wouldn't have to feel pain anymore and she could be with her fiance again. How was that so bad? Yeah, it was a bit selfish of her. Selfish in the regards that there were people here that cared about her. That was probably the only reason she hadn't done anything yet. Especially considering her family had gone through a lot recently. Their dad was in prison and their brother had been in a coma.

It wasn't long when Aspen felt him pull her in for a hug and he held onto her tightly. The daughter of Bellona was surprised by this act, but she didn't fight it, she accepted it. The sobs calmed down a little and she was reduced to crying. He mentioned he wouldn't let go until they solved it. How would they solve it in any length of time?

Minutes passed and there was complete silence, until Aspen realized something and she spoke. "I need to see my dad." She said quietly. He was a bit difficult to speak to at times, but through it it all she had always had her dad around. Now she didn't and meanwhile that gave her siblings an easier life, it didn't give Aspen one.

There were few people Christian wanted to see less than Michael Davenport. He hadn't liked the man before, having only had bad encounters with him over the past nine years. It was strange, talking to the Davenports so little over his time there, and having that evolve to what it was now. Even his recent trip out, with Sophia Virgo. He might not have made it out without her. All of it had led up to this moment here, they had saved him. Could he save them?

"Are you sure you want to do that?" Christian replied. If not for him, he still didn't think Michael was good for his kids; any of them. "You saw what he did to Liam. He could do that to anyone." He kept his tone subtle, the last thing he wanted to do was anger Aspen and have her leave. He couldn't trust her to be alone in her current state.

He worried that she might think it was different for her. The things he held back about his own mom, and her sins, were enough to leave him overprotective with the woman in front of him. His mom had literally shot him. It wasn't crazy to think her dad might be able to lose it too.

Christian asking her if she was sure it would be a good idea and mentioning what happened to Liam felt like a hard slap in the face to her. Aspen couldn't explain the emotions that were dwelling inside of her. She wanted to push him away, but at the same time she just wanted to pull him closer. Aspen had no idea on what she was doing or how she was doing anything.

"I don't know." The words escaped her lips without her permission. Aspen felt bad for her father in some aspects, but at the same time it was his fault that he ended up where he did. Sometimes Aspen wondered what would have happened to Rowan if she hadn't done anything. Would she have ended up like Liam too? It was hard to tell. What drove someone to do that to their own child? That wouldn't happen to her would it? Aspen always did her best to be what she could for her father.

Silence continued on, but Aspens arms were wrapped around the demigod in front of her and she hugged him tighter as her lower lip trembled and the tears continued to pour out. "Please don't let go." the brunette said softly. It was one of the rare times she had been hugged. It was long overdue and it was a feeling she wanted for eternity. None of the Davenports had such a luxury. Which you'd think with all the other luxuries they did have, that this one in particular wouldn't mean anything to them, but it's everything to them.

"I won't." Christian promised. With all things considered, he didn't want to bash Michael Davenport in front of the one daughter who loved him. He had plenty of people of Cohort Five who would love to join him in that, but to do so to Aspen would just be cruel and twisted. She didn't deserve to have to feel what she was feeling. "I brought someone I care about with me out of camp. She got impaled, and she's in the hospital right now. She might not make it." Christian ultimately decided this is what he had to do. She needed to know that losing people happened to everyone. She wasn't alone.

"Her name is Lennie. She's young, full of spirit, and the best leader I've ever met. I made a call to break the lineup, and in the end, there weren't enough eyes to prevent it. Her life is on the line, and that's my fault. But every soldier that joins my ranks, every child who looks up to me, anyone who seeks out to be better. I'm going to tell them about Lennie. She'd want me to keep living. Even if it hurts." Christian finished. He knew she wouldn't want to hear that. But it was necessary.

"Come on, we should get you back to your family." Christian suggested.

Everything in Aspen's life froze in those moments that Christian was telling her about a girl in his cohort. Someone he cared about. Aspen couldn't move and she could say anything. Everyone that was in this camp was either going to die or lose someone they cared about, or if they were lucky they had neither happen. It was a rough life being a demigod and what Christian was saying about it all only triggered memories.

In a split moment she was back on that quest. It was her, her fiance, and a few others from cohort one and a couple from cohort two. It was a fairly hefty operation. A certain group of monsters were holding demigods hostage. They had someone on the inside who helped them with that operation. That was her fiance. Aspen had made that call. It was the one call they allowed Aspen to make to test her strength and suitability to centurion. Aspen wanted that role more than anything, she wanted to prove she was just as worth of it. Aspen wanted to impress the current centurions at the time with her idea. They went for it. Ultimately that was one choice she made that put a nail in his coffin.

However, this day in particular was gruesome. What they had been doing was found out and they held her fiance with a blade to his throat. Demanded that in order to save the life of her fiance she had to give up at least half of her squad. Aspen knew the answer was to just let him die, but how could she do that? Aspen traded in the people for her fiance, however, one of the other demigods in her group hadn't liked Aspen's call and the girl impaled him with her pilum, killing him. Aspen ended up having to defend herself and slashed them all in the backs of their knees eventually and handed them over to the group as well.

Blinking her eyes the tears streaked down her face in a downpour. She ended up focusing back on reality. One she didn't deserve to live in. Aspen couldn't help her body from shaking violently.

"No ones home right now anyways. No one is ever home."

"We'll find them, then." Christian was adamant. After all, he'd said take her back to her family, and he meant it. He wasn't sure how his words would be received, and he still wasn't sure based on her reaction. She'd already been crying before, now she was crying harder. It was not an easy thing to witness. Nevertheless, Christian realized now was not the time to show weakness. Aspen needed him to be strong, and he could only imagine what she could be feeling to react in such a way.

"You can't run from yourself, Aspen, I should know. I did it for nine years." Christian had always considered himself good at talking people down, but usually it was down from making a bad leadership call or stopping violence. Living as a Roman, there was enough threat of dying every day as it was, he wasn't used to people in his life feeling so tormented that they wanted to die.

He hated to play the card. He knew it would hurt her. But he'd rather be hated and Aspen be alive than liked and Aspen be dead. "If you do something to yourself, then that's on me. I will tell everyone that I knew. Rowan, Liam, your dad, your old Cohort. Your problems won't go away if you're dead, they'll just become mine. Nothing will change that. Nothing." Christian made sure to make his point clear.

"I don't want to find them." Aspen said firmly. It was the truth. Aspen didn't want to be around them. She didn't talk to them about these things, not like she used to. She was closed off and reserved from people. The daughter of Bellona kept things to herself and she didn't like to share the darkest thoughts that were in her mind. They didn't need her to be that burden on them either. It was clear they didn't like being at home very much. Whether their father was there or not.

Aspen found herself slowly calming down a bit. Her body stopped shaking, and the tears continued to stream down her face. Her arms were still wrapped around Christian tightly. She didn't like reaching out to people, and she felt weak in this moment. In this moment she was clutching onto someone, she was sharing her emotions, it wasn't something she did a lot of.

The words that came out of Christian's mouth stunned her. She felt stuck. Stuck between a rock and a hard place. What was she supposed to do? Aspen's hold on him loosened. She pushed back from him a little to be able to look him in the face, but not breaking the embrace. "You don't know what I've done. There's a bunch of people who would love to see me dead if they're even still alive. There would be more that want me dead if they knew what I did. I want me dead for what I did. At least when I drink it numbs any pain. It numbs the pain of loss, it helps me feel good, it helps me forget and be happy, even if just for a moment. I have plenty of skeletons in my closet, Christian, I'm better off being one of them."

Aspen's words brought a whole new meaning into their bond, whatever it was. The subject of life and death, and the responsibility one held when that power was in their hands. One night, while he was still an Optio, Roz had passed on the advice to him, that a situation like that was black and white, even if it was full of color. It had been less than 24 hours since he'd just passed that same advice down to Sophia Virgo. The situation was already complicated, and now it was about to dive even deeper.

"You're not useful dead." Christian challenged. "You have a family, you have a name here, you have a future. You can keep building that, here, today. That all crashes and burns if you do this." He continued. It was difficult for Christian to level with her, after all, who was he to hold her power of life and death? Nonetheless, he pushed back still. He wanted her to live.

"If they're out there, we'll find them." Christian challenged. He didn't know any of the details behind what had happened. If you weren't Praetor, you weren't looking at the quests and history records of important people. "You just have to tell me where."

Aspen couldn't help the small chuckle that escaped from her lips when he mentioned what she had. She shook her head. "Please. Family? It's a dysfunctional as ever. I'm not like them, I don't fit. I'm an outcast because I have some ounce of liking for our father and I didn't argue with him day in and day out. A name here? If everyone knew what I did, I'd be kicked out faster than you could imagine. I would be nothing. The reason I still have that name is because I ruined any evidence there was about what had happened. A future? A future to spend alone hating life. Yeah sounds like a grand plan, Christian."

Aspen just continued to shake her head as he mentioned that they were probably still out there and they just had to find them. "You don't get it, I don't want to find them. I don't want to see them, even if they are alive by some miracle. Christian, my quest, I betrayed our own people."

Christian couldn't quite identify the way Aspen had made him feel, the unique mix of guilt, sorrow, and disturbed seemed like they would go together in harmony, but they did no such thing. "You think I don't know what it's like? You think I don't have baggage, you're the only one in New Rome who has to face hardship? My mom shot me, and my sister is six feet underground. You really want to put your family through that because you're having a hard time? You all spent so much time worrying over Liam, now he's okay, you want to blindside them now?" He did his best to present his case, but it was hard to speak to her in that way. "I've lived through it. I'm still here. Doing what needs to be done."

"You're not alone, Aspen. I'm with you, but-" Christian didn't leave the embraced, but he took a step back, a warning that what he was about to ask was of utmost importance. "Where are our people?" He asked. He needed to know, if there were Romans that might be out there, he had to find them. Whether as pleasant as helpful as Corinne and Lennie, or as brash and cocky as Carter, he had to find them.

Aspen didn't have any words when he started to talk about others having baggage. She could feel the pang in her chest knowing the loss Christian had to endure. Yet she was here being selfish about her own ways. It didn't make her feel any less stuck though. She still felt like she only had two options. The addiction or her demise. Aspen still had no words to express at this point. All that was on her mind was the horrors of her quest and what she had done. Each day she had to live with that. She lived with it more now than ever.

If she had alcohol she could pretend none of it happened. None of it was real. It was hard and she could feel everything wanting to claw and rip her apart. All her emotions. Everything she felt. Aspen sighed and she looked at Christian with tears welling up in her eyes.

"I can show you, but only if you promise no one else comes along. I don't need to be that vulnerable in front of other people. You have to realize though, if they're alive and they try to kill me one of two things will happen, I'll either let them or I'll kill them all." Aspen said firmly, yet softly.